You and I have heard this in our SAYA training courses many, many times.

                                          “I see you. You exist. You matter.”

It’s not mystical or whoo-whoo science. It is a mantra built from Transactional Analysis.

Everybody is stroke deprived!

Recognition is the rarest commodity in human conversation. If you want people to talk with you instead of defending themselves from you, notice them.

Notice their thinking.
Notice their experience.
Notice their concerns.

When people feel seen, they relax. When they relax, they talk. And when they talk, the SAYA sale becomes possible.

A stroke is simply any act of recognition… It says: “I see you. You exist. You matter.”

Simply, a stroke can be: 

• Verbal: “Good question.” (We all learned this in Active Listening.)

• Non-verbal: eye contact, nodding (NO multi-tasking!)

• Positive: appreciation

• Negative: criticism

• Conditional: “You did that well.”
• Unconditional: “I’m glad to see you.”

 
How to become a sincere stroking monster…

A good salesperson uses them naturally and continuously, not as a trick but as a way of recognizing the human being in the conversation.

1. Recognition — I see you.
   1. “I’m glad we were able to connect.”
   2. “I appreciate you making time today.”
   3. “Thanks for taking the call.”
2. Thinking — Your thinking is valuable.
   1.  “That’s a thoughtful question.”
   2. “That’s a smart way to look at it.”
   3. “You’re asking exactly the right thing.”
3. Experience — You know what you’re doing.”
   1.  “You’ve clearly been around this industry.”
   2. “It sounds like you’ve been through this before.”
   3. “You’ve got a good handle on how this works.”
4. Effort — You’re putting real work into this.
   1. “You’ve obviously put some thought into this.”
   2. “You’ve done your homework.”
   3. “You’ve clearly been working on this problem.”
5. Honesty — You’re real.
   1.  “I appreciate how direct you’re being.”
   2. “Thanks for saying that clearly.”
   3. “I’m glad you brought that up.”
6. Concern — Your issues matter.
   1. “That’s a fair concern.”
   2. “That’s exactly the kind of question people should ask.”
   3. “That’s an important issue.”
7. Identity — I see the kind of person you are.
   1. “You strike me as someone who thinks things through carefully.”
   2. “You seem very disciplined about decisions.”
   3. “You sound like someone who likes to get things right the first time.”

Humans need strokes almost as much as food. When they do not receive positive strokes, they will often accept negative strokes just to be recognized.

Most people walk through life under-recognized. That fact is profoundly important in selling and communication.

STROKING GUIDELINES & OBSERVATIONS

1. Stroke identity, not just behavior
   This is the Identity vs Role distinction mentioned in SAYA work. 

   Role stroke: “You handled that project well.”
   Identity stroke: “You strike me as someone who thinks things through carefully.”

   Identity strokes are far more powerful.

2. A stroke must be: Specific, Accurate, Earned, Simple
   
   Otherwise, it can be perceived as flattery, which destroys trust.
   
   
3. Timing is everything. Strokes should happen throughout the conversation.
   
   Think of them as communication lubrication. Notice it. Name it. Pause. Stroke. Silence.
4.  Reciprocity: When someone receives recognition, they begin to recognize back.
   
   Leads to overall better listening, openness and disclosure!